Why would a child only show oppositional defiant behavior toward his mother?

By Mark Hutten, M.A.
Question

An 8 year old boy was diagnosed with ADHD Combined Type. His mother, a licensed MFT, referred him for the evaluation. He was never referred by teachers or day care providers. They describe him as an active child, minimally disruptive, but not violent. His grades are above average. His parents are divorced with shared custody, every other week. At his mother's house, he is defiant and has violent meltdowns. His mother fears for her safety and the safety of his sister. At the father's home, he does not exhibit these extreme behaviors. There are rules and consequences for not following the rules. The mother accused the father of child abuse because he has spanked him (as a last resort). Charges were investigated and unfounded. The mother wants the boy on medication so she can handle him at her house. The father does not want to medicate him for behavior that occurs only at the mother's house. Again, he is not violent at his father's or at school.

Answer

Re: Why does he show this oppositional behavior only toward his mother?

I would say the answer is fairly clear. You’ve heard of children misbehaving at home around mother while father is at work, but when the father returns home – things change. (Remember what your mother may have said to you as a child: “Wait until your father gets home!”) This is because the child respects the father and fears repercussions for misbehavior. In this scenario, the father usually follows through with consequences, whereas the mother tends to nag (bark with no bite).

The recommendation would be for both parents to develop a united front (very crucial for raising ODD/ADHD children).

Re: Is medication appropriate?

Not for the behavioral issue. If the child in question is having great difficulty paying attention in school, then perhaps medication for ADHD would be appropriate. As a general rule, medication should only be considered if (a) medically treatable CO-morbid conditions are present (e.g., ADHD, depression, tic disorders, seizure disorders, psychosis), (b) non-medical interventions are not successful, or (c) when the symptoms are very severe.

Popular posts from this blog

Tricks To Getting Compliance From Defiant Children and Teens

By Mark Hutten, M.A.
Image
Children and teens with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) talk back, refuse to do chores, use bad language, and say things like "You can't make me" nearly every day. While all children display this kind of behavior from time to time, with Oppositional Defiant Disorder children, the symptoms continue for six months or more. Thus, moms and dads feel they are always struggling with their youngster. Even more confounding, conventional discipline strategies usual fail. Children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder refuse to go on a time-out from an early age, and claim not to care about losing privileges. If their exasperated mother or father shut them in their rooms, they may destroy their own belongings or go out the window. When parents resort to spanking, the ODD child focuses on the parent’s behavior (e.g., "I'll call the police and report you for child abuse") instead of his own. Defiant kids actually believe they are equal to their parents. It'...
Read more

ODD Children Who Hit Their Parents

By Mark Hutten, M.A.
Image
The first thing a mother or father should realize is that aggressive behavior is common in children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) . The young child suffering from ODD simply lacks the maturity to hold back his impulse to hit or kick. He may actually know that hitting is wrong, but can't control himself in the middle of his anger and frustration. Anger and frustration are major issues for ODD kids. When the defiant youngster gets angry, he is expressing his utter frustration at the lack of control that he has over his world. Something happens that deeply troubles him, but he lacks the tools to express his frustration appropriately. This further frustrates him, and he explodes in anger. He may strike at parents with the only tool at his disposal – by hitting. Growing up is hard work. Many times, kids who face mental health issues and are under a lot of stress go through an aggressive phase. This can be because they have less energy for self-control, or because...
Read more

Ask - Don't Tell: Tips for Parents with Defiant Children

By Mark Hutten, M.A.
Image
Autonomy carried to its extreme gives rise to defiant behavior where a child refuses to be controlled by anybody. Parents often get locked in conflict cycles with such children. Defiant behavior is developmentally appropriate at three stages in a child’s life: age 2 - when the youngster is going from infancy to childhood puberty - when the young person is going from childhood to adulthood old age - when the individual is going from self-sufficient adulthood to needing supportive care What is similar about these developmental stages is that each is a time of intense transition when the person feels "out of control" regarding his or her circumstances. Some people get stuck in a defiant stage. This type of behavior is especially strong when teenagers feel that they have no control over a life situation (e.g., divorce, separation, moving, death, change in school, etc.). The reaction is to fight for control. Parents need to recognize that any child can exhibit defi...
Read more